I Know Him by Heart

今天晚上，重聽Ally Mcbeal的soundtrack，聽了這首歌'I Know Him by Heart'︰

written by Paul Williams and Jon Vezner
recorded by Vonda Shepard on the album "Heart and Soul: New Songs from Ally McBeal"

There's a secret path I follow
To a place no one can find
Where I meet my perfect someone
I've kept hidden in my mind
Where my heart makes my decisions
'Till my dream becomes a vision
And the love I feel
Makes him real someday

'Cause I know he's out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we've never been together
We've never been apart
No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart

Am I living in an illusion?
Wanting something I can't see
If I compromise, I'd be living lies
Pretending love's not meant to be
'Cause I know my heart's worth saving
And I know that he'll be waiting
So I'll hold on and I'll stay strong 'till then

'Cause I know he's out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we've never been together
We've never been apart

No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart
No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart

中學時每星期追看Ally Mcbeal。到大學一年級的某一天，在icq info中寫了以下一段︰

「Billy死了﹐Ally走了﹐John淡出了﹐Richard結婚了。

「我留下﹐面對aging。」

『是的。他也一直覺得失去了什麼﹐但是﹐為什麼那樣在意呢？任何東西總有一天會消失的。我們都是過客﹐周遭的一切大都會配合著我們的變動消失不見。那是無可奈何的事。該消失的時候就會消失﹐時候未到就不會消失。比方說你一直在成長﹐只要再過兩年﹐你這件美麗的洋裝就穿不下了﹐Talking Heads也變得落伍了﹔我恐怕也變得不喜歡開車兜風了。那是沒有辦法的事﹐我們只能隨波逐流﹐別無他法。』

~~《舞舞舞》村上春樹

然後是五年後的今天，identify with John Cage的中學生，長大後，疑慮敏感易不安可以在資本主義世界怎樣生存呢？像John Cage在自己的戰場中戰無不勝，可以嗎？

很想再看一遍Ally Mcbeal。可惜沒有錢。還可以BT回來嗎？但我知道一開始，就回不了頭，會想BT更多︰我和殭屍有個約會1、2、3，難兄難弟。噢，還有X檔案和Doctor Who，偶然看看Friends和還有Micheal J Fox的Spin City也很好。不知道他的病情怎樣了呢...哎...差點忘了Seinfeld...

可想而知，寫不出有意義的牢騷，只有自言自語、悄悄哆嗦。但仍然可以安慰大家︰沒有說出來一半的糟。

(相片來源︰Peter MacNicol的個人網站，很John Cage。如果你知道John Cage是誰的話。http://www.petermacnicolonline.com/links.html)